He was an hour late for our first date, so I nervously waited in my car. The date itself consisted of not-so-exciting talk of car mechanics and lasted 30 minutes. He politely walked me back to where I had parked and even opened my door so we could sit in the back and talk more. Then, in a matter of minutes, he assaulted me and left me with a lifetime of lingering effects.

My assault was nothing like I had been taught to expect. It happened in broad daylight in a parking lot where many people could easily see everything. We had texted prior to our date; he was respectful, kind, even chivalrous during our short time together. After it happened, he thanked me.

I did not want to believe, I could not believe what had happened. On the drive home, I even thought to myself “was I just raped?” because although the events suggested so, he did not seem like a rapist to me.

Every 98 seconds, an American is sexually assaulted, according to RAINN, the nation’s largest anti-sexual assault organization. Every experience affects each victim differently; my trauma is unique, so what I was troubled with and the way I dealt with it is not universal. When victims bravely decide to speak out, they tell their stories but don’t often explain in detail how their experience changed them, like mine changed me in more ways than I could’ve ever imagined.

“The timeline of how long it may take for [the victims] to heal is definitely person-to-person. Hopefully at some point, the victim will find a way to move on in life, but it’s not like you can put a bandaid on it and forget about it,” Julie Anderson, social worker, said. “A lot of times people just try to keep moving instead of seeking the help that they need. Intensive therapy is definitely needed in order to get through this type of healing process.”

It’s not like I haven’t experienced difficult situations before; I’ve been able to move on from other problems somewhat easily. I had the mindset that this would be like falling down and getting back up again. I naively expected to bounce back from this with similar ease.

I thought writing a poem and talking openly about what had happened to me would completely heal me, but I could not properly express what I was going through since I had not even experienced the true affects my assault had on me yet.

I only realized speaking out like this didn’t work when I woke up in a panic after my first night terror; I relived my experience so vividly to the point that I genuinely believed it was happening all over again. This would turn into a regular occurrence until I couldn’t take it anymore and began to think eliminating sleep would solve this problem.

I did not sleep at night for almost two months. I took two hour naps a couple times a day so I could stay alive, but it, of course, was not sustainable or healthy, however, I still preferred not sleeping to reliving my trauma.

Being awake a lot forced me to think about what happened. I was awake when none of my friends or family were, so I sat in my bed alone with my thoughts and that led me to analyze everything surrounding my experience.

Without a healthy approach or mindset, I was not able to heal during this time and months later I still struggled. I blamed myself being in this situation, and I felt extremely guilty for not reporting my attacker to the police station and not getting a rape kit: which requires a victim to get a several hour intrusive inspection at a hospital within 72 hours since their trauma.

And I was not alone because according to a study done by RAINN, out of 1000 rapes, only 310 were reported. Of the little I knew about sexual assault, I felt it was a victim’s duty to go through those crucial steps, however, I did not.

I thought about every moment leading up to the assault. I thought about everything he said, and I thought about everything I said. I remembered everything he did, and everything I did not do. These thoughts consumed me for hours at a time and it began to break me.

I fell into a deep depression that worsened with each night without sleep. Life seemed pointless if I had to continue living it how I was. It felt like there would not be an end to these troubles and this lack of motivation began to affect my life as a student.

I turned into someone who did not have the energy to care to put effort into school. I became constantly behind in everything and I stopped wanting to catch up. My sleepless nights were meant to prevent reliving my trauma, but, ironically, school became a living nightmare for me because of it.

Every day went by in slow motion, each one more unbearable than the last. I went through every mind-numbing school day feeling nothing. I had no escape from the routine of day to day life.

This is not who I was a year ago. I used to always be smiling and ready to learn. Everything about my personality changed. I had to relearn who I was. The things I liked before either were not as enjoyable or uninterested me entirely.

“Some victims feel like they are grappling with their own identity and who they are now compared to who they were before the assault,” Tim Dowling, school psychologist, said. “Sexual assault might cause a victim to not do things they normally do because trauma changes people in many ways.”

Everything that affected me after my experience really tested me. Luckily, I had already been seeing a therapist and a school social worker. I had people to talk me through this difficult time. Months later, I had regained a healthier mindset towards my situation and took the steps to get me back on track.

I started sleeping again which allowed me to start processing my experience instead of dwelling on it. I also slowly started getting back my motivation for everything.

It would be dishonest of me to act like my life has reverted back to how it was before this happened to me, but the truth is that I will probably never be the same person I was. It may take years before I will finally feel somewhat normal again, but I know there is life beyond trauma because I have finally started believing this as well.