None of the Above: When “Boy” or “Girl” Doesn’t Fit

“People say, if you’re born male, you’re male. But you’re in chains of that stereotype. As you start understanding who you are, that chain starts breaking. You’re let free to a world of who you are and who you might be and who you want to be.”

Stevie is a freshman who felt caught up in the chains of the wrong gender, not male or female, but finally felt the chains break with another option: nonbinary. Stevie does not use traditional “she” or “he” pronouns, but a more gender-neutral “they.”

“I was [assigned female at birth], but I don’t identify as female,” Stevie said. “I was tied down in that chain, saying, ‘I’m female, I have to act female, think female, be female,’ and so on. But slowly that chain broke, and I felt infinite, like I can do what I want. I am who I am. I am not female, I am not male, I am not a gender. I am nonbinary, and I don’t want to be tied down by a chain.”
Stevie had to transition from female to nonbinary, which means they had to change how the world viewed them. They went through gradual stages like a haircut and a name change to portray their true self.

“A lot of people have been asking, ‘Why did you change your name to Stevie?’” they said. “It gets irritating, honestly. There are a lot of people who would walk up to me and ask ‘Are you male or female?’ And I would just say neither. It gets annoying, but after a while, people don’t know what’s best, and sometimes they don’t really care.”

Many transgender and nonbinary people change their names as part of their transition process. The birth name is referred to as a dead name, and they live with their new name. People often invoke the first amendment to protect the right to self expression as an extension of freedom of speech, which would include preferred names. However, nonbinary kids can struggle to have people call them by their chosen name.

“If I go to a teacher who has been calling me by my dead name and tell them to call me my preferred name, it’s a lot harder for them,” Kaeyden Mayer, nonbinary senior, said. “Even some of my friends had a lot of trouble going by my preferred name after I first [said] to start calling me ‘them.’ It’s difficult for [people] because they see me and think my dead name, because that’s what they’ve known me by.”

A generally upheld social right is for people to express themselves however makes them most comfortable. That can mean changing their name or pronouns or appearance in order to be their truest self. Moreover, the right to freedom from harassment applies in these cases too, but with a gender beyond the accepted ‘boy’ or ‘girl,’ it can be difficult to avoid.

“Sometimes I’ll be in one of those moods, like, ‘Yeah I’m this, and I’m proud to be this! I know what I am,’” Mayer said. “Then I have people messaging me telling me, ‘Oh, you’re too young to know. You can only be male or female, you can’t be anything in between.’ But yes you can!”

That sort of online opposition can become even stronger in real life when nonbinary people try to come out. Since nonbinary genders are not yet widely recognized, other people have varying reactions that can make life difficult. Often, people like Mayer and Stevie come out in stages. Both are out to friends and teachers, but neither are out to their parents.

“I keep this away from my family,” Stevie said. “There are people who are accepting and then there are people who are not accepting. My parents are those who don’t accept it at all. They would be making fun of [gay] couples, those who think there are more than two genders… I’d rather not be made fun of by them.”

Anti-discrimination laws protect the right to freedom from harassment, but the law is not designed for a family environment. Yet family can be most difficult to find acceptance with. Mayer avoids coming out less for fear of harassment, but rather reluctance to deal with the struggles that come with sharing that part of an identity.

“I have a friend who is trans, and they go by ‘they’ or ‘he’ [pronouns],” Mayer said. “My dad assumed when I was first talking about them that they were female, and they’re not – they’re [nonbinary]. I had to say ‘him’ because my dad doesn’t realize that ‘they/them’ are pronouns that people use.”

This trouble comes more from ignorance than ill-will, but there are still some things at home that Mayer would rather not deal with coming out, they said.

“[My parents] have asked me, ‘Were they born this gender and they’re this gender?’, and it just made me really uncomfortable,” Mayer said. “I don’t want them to say ‘OK, no, you were born this, you need to identify as this.’ That’s mainly what I’m afraid of.”

While acceptance at home is important, another often unconsidered, socially-accepted right is the right to use the bathroom. Gender neutral bathrooms are few and rare, and to use the bathroom of improper gender can be uncomfortable or even dangerous for trans and nonbinary people. The Gay-Straight Alliance has advocated for more gender neutral bathrooms at LZHS.

“Students as well as adults have rights,” Brian Agustin, Gay-Straight Alliance sponsor, said. “They should be able to go to whatever washroom they feel that they should go to. Nonbinary bathrooms are difficult because boys and girls can go to the same washroom, and so that’s a totally different facet of breaking tradition.”

With more awareness about trans rights, schools have been adding gender neutral bathrooms for inclusivity, like District 211, who had a recent dispute over whether to let a transgender girl use the girl’s locker room. While mostly set up as a compromise for trans boys and girls, these bathrooms also benefit nonbinary students because then they will not be forced to go to the bathroom of a gender they are not.

Currently, there is only one gender-neutral bathroom, by the gym next to the maintenance office. Adding a bathroom is no small feat. Ryan Rubenstein, assistant principal of facilities and student activities, said the school does not plan to add more.

Gender-neutral bathrooms are one way to raise awareness in a world set on the idea of only male or female. Sometimes people unaffected by this issue do not know about it, but other times, they do not care.

“Honestly I feel like people should care,” Stevie said. “This is how people want to express themselves. They are who they are.”