Depression: Living in the Shadows

“Depression is like a black cloud figure that sometimes has eyes and sometimes doesn’t because it’s either there or it isn’t there. It can come back whenever; it will follow you, it can attach itself to you like a dark shadow. It can range from being an extremely black cloud to a more mild gray one, and during the time I was going through the worst of it, I went through every shade.”

For Lexie Shuman, junior, the shades of depression have been coloring her world for the past five years. One in five students aged fifteen to eighteen suffer from depression, according to teenhelp.com, making Shuman’s experience far less unique than people may believe.

“Imagine a painting of a really nice scenery, but there is black paint all over the top covering the picture,” said Jessica Minx, junior who also suffers from depression. “That nice picture is still underneath, but the black paint ruins it and covers it all up. Eventually, it becomes hard to focus on the picture, and all you see is the black.”

The blackness Minx described may be brought on because stress and social skills are at their peak according to mentalhealthamerica.net, but people like Minx have been fighting the illness for as long as they can remember.

“When I was eight I considered jumping out my window because I thought it may kill me. Looking back, that’s the first memory I have of struggling with depression because I don’t know why I would think that was a logical idea,” Minx said. “I remember sitting by myself on the side of the playground just staring at bricks and not interacting with anyone.”

Depression can come about at any age for any number of reasons, but a common cause can be from bullying incidents that turn into something much worse according to Shuman.

“The first time I thought something was off was in fifth grade. I went to Charles Quentin, and that year was when the school shut down and I got moved to May Whitney,” Shuman said. “I think that was a big trigger for [my depression] because for some reason there was a big axis of bullying directed towards me, and it has stuck with me for a really long time.”

Over time and with the help of her friends, Shuman gained ground in her fight against depression, and she says that sometimes the best thing you can do is take a new perspective on the situation at hand.

“I think [my turnaround point] was just a realization that why I was so sad and depressed wasn’t a valid enough reason,” Shuman said. “Yeah, you can get bullied, you can get picked on, but you can also choose to not have those words affect you. You can choose to do something about it.”

Since the first symptoms of depression in their childhoods, both girls have received help coping with the illness. After receiving mixed reactions when talking about her struggle, Minx explains that depression is much more than what people perceive it as.

“People think depression is just being sad all the time, but that’s not what depression is,” Minx said. “It’s more along the lines of you’re fine in the morning, you’re bad by the afternoon, you’re sad when you wake up, and you cry at midnight for absolutely no reason, then you don’t go out with your friends on certain days and just want to be alone. That’s what depression is. It is so much more than just sadness”.

Common misconceptions and misunderstandings from people who have not experienced depression can become difficult and stressful, but Shuman says that some of the biggest triggers are people who act fake around her.

“You start to realize, or sometimes you don’t, that there are really nice people that are unappreciated or picked on, and then people who act nice who can be really bad people,” Shuman said. “When I see that I just get angry, and eventually I come to a conclusion that makes me even more sad then I was before the situation started.”

While emotions like anger can fuel the sad side of depression, Minx said she can still experience happiness despite the illness, even though her version of happiness is different.

“Happiness while coping with depression is like a sugar-free candy. Yeah it’s okay, and it’s candy, but it isn’t the good stuff. It’s like getting a lollipop instead of a Kit Kat bar,” Minx said. “So people with depression can feel that artificial type of happy where we can laugh with friends and smile, but there isn’t enough to satisfy because there will still be that sad part of you underneath”.

The  illness can lead to plenty of side effects and a downcast feeling according to Minx, but with the help of the right people, the symptoms become a little more bearable.

“My best friend was always talking to me saying, ‘let’s get you outside’ or ‘let’s eat lunch outdoors”, Shuman said. “Without my support group I don’t think I’d be here. There were days where I got to such a low point that I thought maybe I should just end it, but I really owe it all to my friends who were there for me: even when it was really hard”.

Minx has also managed to find a group who supports her in a nontraditional but effective way.

“I have a Tumblr blog where I can vent to people and get really nice responses, and those followers have become a big support system,” Minx said. “It’s nice to vent to people who don’t necessarily know you but have gone through similar experiences or can help you problem solve situations that you’re coping with.”

While Minx has found help and ways to cope, she also emphasizes the need for awareness and help for other people in similar situations.

“Depression is very prevalent, but nobody seems to see it,” Minx said. “If you break an arm, it heals. But for depression, it doesn’t just go away. If you’re depressed at this age, you don’t know what you’re doing and you don’t know what’s happening, so it’s a very serious thing that people don’t treat as seriously as they should”.