“[After we broke up,] John texted me and said, ‘Hold your head under the water and don’t come up,’” local college student Kristy, age 24, said. “I was like, ‘did you really just tell me to kill myself?’ Finally I went to my mom and said, ‘alright this is done.’”

Kristy and John, whose names have been changed by Bear Facts for this publication for privacy, were in an abusive relationship with John being the abuser. However, John never once slapped her or hit her—he was emotionally abusive. Though there were no physical scars left on Kristy, the emotional damage has changed her forever. For five months, she was a victim of John’s words until she built up the courage to leave.

“[Abusive relationships] start subtly. What looks like love at first could be a lot of attention, a lot of affirming. It can feel quite nice, cozy, and flattering,” said Denise Casey, clinical psychologist at Barrington Behavioral Health and Wealth. “The [abuser] starts to make him or her indispensable, which is nice because you have help. Later on, that can turn into possessiveness, control, and aggression. The dependency needs of the [abuser] starts to surface, so abusive relationships—at the core—are usually [about] control, dependency, and power.”

The pattern was evident in John and Kristy’s relationship. Kristy said the first month of their relationship was “perfect.” But later, John started to demand Kristy to text him when she arrived or left somewhere and to send a picture of who was there. Their relationship followed a pattern known as the cycle of abuse which consists of three phases: honeymoon, tension building, and explosion.

“It starts off with all the romance and attention, and then there’s an abusive incident that occurs like [not allowing] you to go out with your friends. It could be covert [like] pouting, manipulation, or sabotage, so you feel guilty, or it can be overt as, ‘I don’t like what you’re wearing, I’m going to hit you,” Casey said. “Abuse occurs, and then there is some distance in the relationship [before] the apology starts [once] the abuser starts to feel like there is distance in the relationship, and then you go into a honeymoon period where the relationship started and it’s wonderful.”

The first abusive incident can happen far apart from the next, but Casey says the incidents start to happen more frequently, and the cycle goes faster and faster. Before being in a toxic relationship, a person may have had several healthy ones before it.

Kristy, however, had several toxic relationships in a row. She traces back her history with emotional abusive relationships to her high school years. Kristy believes her choice in men is reflected from the saying, “you become one of your parents, and you marry the other.”

“I was looking for someone who was very Type A, like my father, that had this aggression, but had that nice side,” Kristy said. “I feel like in high school I was drawn to [the type of guy that was] attractive, but not the greatest student Then when I found myself being with that person, it was constant abuse, getting named called, and none of [the relationships] lasted long, ever.”

Kristy found herself in the same cycle with John as she saw in her parents’ relationship. The household a person grows up in can influence one’s actions in a relationship. If someone comes from an abusive household and shows abusive tendencies, it is a red flag, Casey said. As a specialist in addiction, she sees the relationship between abuse and substances abuse, especially in a household.

“An abusive household is where [the abusers] are being made to feel small, where they are being hit or named called, which can bring up a lot of inner conflict, rage, and self-esteem that then gets reenacted in other relationships,” Casey said. “A lot of abuse occurs under the influence of substances, and [the addiction] is genetically passed down, which [can] create a chaotic environment. Linkages to [physical, emotional and sexual] abuse with substance abuse are significantly high.”

Once in an abusive relationship, it is hard to get out, according to Casey. Kristy said she was emotionally and mentally unstable due to John—every conversation she had with him left her on the verge of tears due to constant name calling and belittling. Making someone feel lesser of a person is one of the reasons why it is hard to leave the relationship, according to Casey.

“Your self esteem gets torn down, and if the abuser is successful, your circle of friends has shrunk down. Your self esteem is getting smaller and smaller, and you become more dependent on this one person, which is dangerous for anybody,” Casey said.

Kristy’s dependency to John caused her family to alienate her. Kristy’s sisters, who she considers as her best friends, gave her an ultimatum—they would not talk to her until John was out of her life. Her parents would not bring up her relationship with John. Once she realized how alone she was, Kristy turned to Casey for help.

“I was hoping she’d give me an answer, [but] no one can tell you what you can do to make things perfect. Obviously everyone wants you to leave that person, but ultimately you have to be the one to realize everyone around you is just trying to help you because they love you,” Kristy said. “They’re just so concerned; they’re hoping that breaking away from you, it’s going to make you realize what you’re not having, and that this relationship isn’t everything.”

Kristy reached that point after John asked her to move in with him, and she realized her priorities to finish school over-ruled settling down.

“If I could go back in time and tell myself something, it would probably be wake up and listen to the people around me because when you’re in that situation, you’re going to stand your ground because this is what you want, and this is what you feel is right,” Kristy said.

After sending the relationship, John was constantly trying to get in touch with Kristy by repeatedly sending texts saying he was cheating on her and he was going to kill himself.

“As soon as everything ended, it was like a continuous threat to me of, ‘I’m going to come after your mom and dad, this is their fault, and you didn’t want this.’ He told me he was going to kill my parents,” Kristy said. “That, to me, was scary.”

Besides fear, another impact abuse has on the victim is what Casey calls “crazy making”. She describes crazy making as the abuser says one thing but does another. For example, the abuser may say he or she loves their significant other, but then hits him or her. Casey also describes crazy making as the abuser makes the victim feel guilty or responsible for his actions.

“I tell a lot of young girls, ‘don’t listen to the words, watch their feet, what they do,’ because anyone can say anything. Abusers have an uncanny ability to pick women with weak boundaries,” Casey said. “Once you’re caught, you’re caught. It’s very hard to get away, and that’s the hard part—when they’re apologizing, they get desperate. There can be suicidal threats on their part, they stalk, and they may threaten to harm your loved ones.”

To get to the point where she could get away, Kristy focused mostly on self-care and leaned on family, friends, therapy, and books for support.

“What I found super helpful was getting back into the things I really enjoyed doing and [realizing] that there are other things besides this angry environment to go to and that taking care of yourself has to be your priority,” Kristy said. “If you want any kind of relationship to work, you have to be happy with what you’re doing, and who you are before anything will work out.”

Kristy is now in a healthy relationship but still sees the long term effects John has had on her, like questioning what she does in her current relationship. Kristy says she fears of doing certain behaviors in her current relationship that John did to her, but when she does, her boyfriend understands.

“It took me time to be like, ‘okay, everything is good [in this relationship]. I trust me. I’m not John. I can’t be that [abusive] person. I don’t want to be that person,” Kristy said.

Casey compares what Kristy is experiencing to Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

“Once in an abusive relationship, you carry the story with you, and then you may start to overreact to normal things in another relationship. That’s the baggage that can get carried forward; low self-esteem can get carried forward and precursor can be codependency,” Casey said.

Low self-esteem and codependency is one of the reasons it is hard to leave an abusive relationship, according to Casey. If you suspect yourself or another person to be in an abusive relationship, Casey says not to swear off the relationship, but have healthy boundaries for yourself. Kristy says to not be afraid to reach out to an adult if the situation is too much for you to handle like if the abuser threatens suicide.

“You don’t want to ignore the problem. If your friend is in school with her shirt inside out, do you let them go through the day like that, or do you go over and [tell her]?” Casey said about the need to confront people about suspected abuse.

She stresses, especially for teenagers, understanding what healthy boundaries are and to understand codependency. Casey stresses these four guidelines for teenagers: no means no, stop means stop, it’s my body so my boundaries, and know your deal breakers.

“I can’t imagine [where I would be] if I was still in that relationship. Who knows if I would still be on this Earth if I was still in that relationship,” Kristy said. “My story may not be as bad as someone else’s, but it still shouldn’t be happening to anyone.”